Hermione and Ron Get A Clue!
by SatusDee
Summary: Yes, you all might be scratching your heads but this is a complete rewrite of my story, packed with new material, cleaned up characters, funnier one-liners and the same great plot line! HG/RW, HP/GW, implied LL/NL. Sadly, abandoned.
1. Harry Has Not Got A Nobility Complex

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

_Non-canon and set in the continuous Potterverse. Therefore I cannot accurately place it in the series… it hangs by a thread caught up in the middle of the Pottery goodness…_

_**Ahem**__ well, yes…enjoy! _

**Disclaimer:** The plot is mine. That is all. I bow down to JKRowling. I also submit to the mighty sibling power behind Potter Puppet Pals. The minor reference is their's.

**Harry Has Not Got A Nobility Complex**

Part I: Told throught the diary of Harry James Potter

Dear Diary,

Potterlog no. 117… This is the Starship Hogwarts… and that's all I know I'm afraid. Dudley didn't let me see the rest of that kooky show. But anyway- what happened today, I here you ask? Mostly the normal things in life (or as normal as they can get in Hogwarts) Played a bit of Quidditch with Ron. Got a minor hex from Ferret and Co. and sat in my reserve bed at the hospital wing for half an hour. I swear that the blue pigment still hasn't come out. I'll get Malfoy for this. Daft git, he was actually trying to vanish my clothes or something. For what purpose, I wonder…

Oh yeah, how could I forget? Hermione and Ron are at it again…(cue laughter) They're fighting I mean. Of course. What else would I mean? The obviously palpable sexual tension between those two has absolutely nothing to do with the previous ambiguous comment. Huh. Big words. Wow. Hermiones having an adver… a bad effect on me.

Anyhow I am once again predicatably caught inbetween them, just another of the daily hazards that make up my life. I can't afford to take sides unless I have a desire to lose limbs. They're number 1 and 2 on my dangerous persons list, just above Voldieshorts, Snape (Snape, Severus Snape) and Umbit…bridge. So yes, today's tale. It is a typical Hogwarts yarn, full of drama and romance. Are we sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin. (Merlin, I hope no-one reads this. Enough people think I'm ga-ga as it is) (_Note to self:_ Find better curse than 'Merlin'. Stupid Wizard-swears)

It all started early today. Thankfully not too early because I don't think I could handle a row right after getting out of bed. Too early by far. This morning at breakfast I was saving a first year from a fate worst then death: I mean HP sauce with porridge? Disgusting. Though he may have been using it on his bacon… never mind. He'll recover with Madam Pomfrey's help. Anyway, during breakfast Hermione started spouting unintelligible gibberish (You know the stuff: at number 1- "I read it in Hogwarts: A History" closely followed by "You can't apparate within the grounds!") Seriously I think that half the stuff she says is made up. Ron was slightly insensitive. 'Slightly' like an Erumpet's horn is 'slightly' dangerous. So once again the argument began.

Unfortunately, instead of ignoring each other like they normally do, or even just consisting of minor bickering, the fight escalated throughout the day. The first lesson was Potions with Snape. I got a detention for sneezing. Still, it's better than last lesson's- breathing too loudly can obviously decalibrate the sensitive nature of our potions. (Hermione's got a lot to answer for. I don't even think I know what 'decalibrate' means) That git really needs to get over his grudge against my dad. But anyway, back to the lesson: Snape was like a big greasy kid in a candy store, taking away Gryffindor points left, right and centre. Whilst he was breaking down Deans will to live (something about the hydro-electro-acidic-thingy qualities of Beezle wings), I was saving Neville from a fate worse than death (one of Snape's detentions) He wanted to put chizpurfles stings in our concoction which would totally screw up our potion. Acting un-Hermioneish, Hermione slipped something in Rons cauldron, which exploded and turned Ron maroon. Luckily it's his favorite colour (at least that's what his mother insists). No-one else got marooned (hey that's quite witty) apart from Pansy Parkinson who gained a pattern of polka dots around her face. All I can say is that it's an improvement. Neville and I eventually decided that the chizpurfle stings might speed up the brewing process. The potion came out like rock. Bloody typical.

Herbology was in the same mould. Malfoy sprayed some kind of sap in his face (I think he might've been aiming at me. He's such a failure) and then his head swelled up like an accurate representation of his ego. So he trotted off to the hospital wing with the help of Crabbe and Goyle who did useful things such as guiding him into brick walls. When Sprout turned her back to help some whining blond kid find her finger, Ron spilled a packet of Stinging Sellebees over Hermione's hands. Anyone could see that it was an accident, him being Ron and his clumsiness, but still Hermione was livid. Neville tried helping. He got a rash in the shape of a four letter word. I couldn't see it all but it had the letters 'C' and 'K' in it. I shall have to think about it some more. Silly boy, I saved him from a fate worse than death for nothing. Typical once again.

Lunch went by partially incident free. I mean, by Hogwarts standards. (_By Hogwarts Standards_ I am relating to the _seventh unstated law_: "At Meals, anything can happen." Also see _sub-clause 512b_: "Especially if the Weasley Brothers are present") I don't quite believe that Seamus put a bowl of mashed potatoes on his own head. Or that the flock of flamingoes that circled the room were intentionally there. Or even that Ernie MacMillan meant to declare his undying love for Professor Sprout. However Draco seemed pleased with himself, he had a huge grin plastered across his face. Though it could have been the after-effects of that sap.

In Defense Against the Dark Arts we were dueling, so in typical fashion, Hermione and Ron got paired up. It wasn't pretty. Ron got his feet back eventually and has just regained his hearing and I think Hermione can just about bear to sit down now. It was quite spectacular really. I've never seen Millicent Bulstrode move quite that fast. Fat lot of good it did her though, behind that desk. We still can't find Parvarti. I'm sure she'll turn up. Eventually. (_Note to self:_ Check Vanishing Cabinet for errant Patil twins)

Dinner was an absolute catastrophe. Hermione's beans exploded in her face, Ron's sausages turned into tapdancing spiders, somehow (possibly intentionally?) Luna got knocked out, Neville fainted, Lavender and Seamus broke up, Hagrid got his head stuck in a barrel, Cho Chang cried, Ernie MacMillan and Hannah Abbot kissed, Crabbe and Goyle got plastered in mashed potato, Fred and George took the oppurtunity to test several of their products, Professor Sprout returned Ernie's declaration of love, Filch wandered about occasionally kicking people back into the fray and Professor Dumbledore finally silenced the riot with a carefully placed spell or two. (_Note to self:_ Research spell- _congelo cella maximis_)

And now here I am! Sitting in my dorm. Ron is missing (presumed angry), Neville seems to be also writing a journal, (he keeps sneaking glances at my diary. I might have to tell teacher) and Dean and Seamus seem to be dead or asleep. No…wait…they're breathing, that's good enough for me. Poor fellows. That pumpkin juice got them good. I think I'll go into the common room now, chill out, do some homework, perhaps talk to Ginny for a bit. I guess she's kinda nice to talk to with her silky red hair and little freckles and cute button nose. And Rons sister. Yes… well perhaps I'll curb my interests. Don't want to follow the example of Michael Corner…poor sod. (_Note to self:_ Where the hell is Michael Corner?) Uh-oh, raised voices. I'll have to go save everyone from a 'fate worse than death': Ron and Hermione. Ding-Ding. Round two!

Yours,

Harry

P.s. I caught some fellow Gryffindors saying something about my so-called 'nobility complex'. I'll try not to take it to heart. I think perhaps I've been a bit intense lately. But what with that powerful cheering charm, dodgy dose of amortentia and the incident with Moaning Myrtle (don't even remind me) I haven't quite been myself.


	2. Neville Bites Back

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

_Yup. You guessed it. Still in non-canon mode. This time Neville takes the floor. It's all yours Master Longbottom…_

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story. Dammit.

**Neville Bites Back**

_Part II: Told through the journal of Neville Longbottom_

Dear Diary,

Ron and Hermione are at it again…they are fighting but as for the other interpretation anyone can see there's sexual tension between them. But I _meant_ that they are fighting again. It all started at breakfast yesterday. Harry was leaping at some poor first year who liked HP sauce (the words 'hero' and 'complex' somehow spring to mind. Poor Harry… what am I saying? Poor Firstie) Ginny was making puppy-dog eyes at him, Ron was shovelling food into him and then Hermione started spouting big words. And I mean BIG words. Words that shouldn't be real… like 'antidestablishmentarianism'. Ugh. Anyway Ron crossed the line (that fine line between I-don't-care-but-I'll-humour-you and insulting) and said no-one cares, she's too smart, why doesn't she go bore someone else etc. I think he's on his man period. Hormones. But then Hermione kinda exploded with rage. Kaboom. Kablooey. Kerpow. You know what happened. We were all there right. Or we've all read Harry's diary. Geez, he really should get a lock for that thing. And stop leaving it in the common room with the sign "**Don't Touch**". Like that'll work. Two words: reverse psychology.

Last night in the common room, Ron had another temper tantrum (two words: man hormones. It's the only answer, I'm telling you) which Hermione accordingly reacted to. Ron is still sore. In places we'd rather not know about. Ouch. Well since yesterday, things haven't improved. Today was just as bad, if not worse. This morning at breakfast you could cut the tension with a knife. Some Ravenclaw was actually trying to. Loony or something like that. The one with eyes that look right through you. Luna. That's it, she's Ginnys friend. She seemed to have raspberrys seeping out of her pocket. Doesn't surprise me. And I'd lost Trevor. Again. I swear that toad has something against me.

Transfiguration went fine. Almost. A ferret is nearly a badger, right? (Not if you're Malfoy) Hermione turned Ron's bag into a rabid weasel, Ron turned Hermione's shoes into ducks and Harry seemed to turn so quickly that the person he was talking to nearly had a heart attack. Poor, poor Michael Corner. (So that's where he was. Who would've guessed that that cupboard was so big?) They had to wait an hour before they could pry his wand out of his hands. Harry got off lightly. Since the 'accident' with that cauldron and subsequent hilarious mishap with Moaning Myrtle (I'll have to tell you some day) we've had to treat him with some…delicacy. (Using this phrase is like saying 'be careful with that Nundu, it might be dangerous') The lesson ended and we all set off for our next lesson. Mine was Charms.

Charms was fun. If only Flitwick wasn't so worried about me. It's not that I don't like the fellow, it's just that for some reason he seems to have an unexplained phobia of socks. I found this out in an entirely accidental manner- my Wingardium Leviosa was a bit off centre so Dean found himself floating feet first towards a petrified Flitwick. Poor guy. This lesson, we were casting Cheering Charms (I was so nervous after last time. Harry went mental. Literally) and Harry put so much force behind his that I nearly stopped breathing from all the laughter. (Suppose it was a payback of sorts) I regained consciousness to see him crouching over me. Nearly stopped my heart after all that laughter. Prat.

This lunch turned out to be slightly better. Seamus managed to avoid any floating dishes of food. No riots broke out. No declarations of love were exchanged. And the Great Hall was thankfully free of flamingoes. And that Lovegood girl was watching me again. (Is that a good thing?) Trevor still hadn't shown up. By this time I was beginning to lose hope. Last lesson in the day was DADA again and, surprise, surprise, we were dueling. Thankfully (in the loosest sense of the term), Hermione was paired up with me. Never mind. She fixed my ears back on eventually, got my skin back to the norm and managed to find Parvarti in the process. (Who would of guessed that she had a thing for Michael Corner?)

The last lesson was Astronomy so we are left with a free period. Hermione moved so fast that we didn't see her until we arrived at the library entrance. She was literally a blur as she moved between the shelves. Or maybe that's the after-effects of the hex I used. Better leave her be. She's…tetchy. Madam Pince nearly eviscerated me because I started to laugh at part of this book I was reading. I swear she has some weird teleportation ability or something.

I'm just about ready for the astronomy lesson. Telescope's sorted and I've got a nice scarf to wear. Trevor turned up in one of my shoes somehow. (Not when I was wearing it of course) I sneaked a glance at Harrys diary and saw that he suspected me of copying things. (I might have to tell teacher…) Unsurprising. He might as well put a flashing sign over it saying "**READ ME**". Anyway, everyone has simmered down. Harry and Ron are having an amiable game of chess… or at least Ron is playing chess whilst Harry is gazing dreamily at Ginny. Still Ron hasn't noticed but then again Ron never notices much. Hermione remains elusive as ever and Seamus and Dean aren't around…I don't even want to think about it. It's coming up to the lesson now, have to remember my textbooks. And telescope. And scarf. I wish I could remember where I put my Remembrall.

Still got that bloody rash. Who wants to walk around with CK written on their che… C--K… C--K?… Stupid obscenity censoring quills. I swear my Gran is some sort of reincarnated dictator. But anyway, that stupid rash. It's all the thanks I get for trying to help? I can't even show Madam Pomfrey. How embarassing.

Neville

P.s. Harry decided to ask me about his so-called 'hero complex'. Tact was necessary. I swear that that cheering charm hasn't worn off yet. That grin can be quite disconcerting.

_After Astronomy_

Hermione demonstrated how telescopes can be used offensively and lost 10 points for Gryffindor. Ron's still at the Hospital Wing. Harry's dead asleep. I found a potato in Seamus's bed. Trevor's gone again. Oh and I forgot my scarf so I'm all sniffly. It's all happening to me.

P.s. I must buy some ear plugs. Actual night-time dialogue:

Seamus:_Ah…not th' mash…please, mudder NO!_

Dean:_Come on ref! You call that a foul? I'll show you foul…_

Harry:_AAARGHHH! MYRTLE!! NOOOOO…_

Ron:_grrnnnnnnSHHHNNghhhgrnnnGhnn._

Ugh.


	3. The Man In The Iron Socks

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** Not canon. Never will be. Now for our favourite half-giant. (Hagrid. Just in case you can't guess.) Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Plot mine. Ideas mine. Anything else is JK's. Go her.

**The Man In The Iron Socks**

_Part III: Told throught the Groundskeeper's Journal_

_**654th entry in the current logbook by current Groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid**_

_**Weather conditions: Fair, mild north-westerly breeze, sunny**_

Today was a good day for groundskeeping. The weather was quite nice, considering where Hogwarts is, Fang's got better from that tummy-bug he caught and the skrewts have found some new way to reproduce when seperated. Also I discovered that they enjoy the taste of dead crow. Shall add it to the list.

Unfortunately, Hermione and Ron (bless the little fellas) already have an argument between them. It seems like it's a normal tiff about Hermione's smarts and Ron having a go at her. But this is the third day it's been going on for and I'm beginning to get worried. Of course, I've only seen things in passing at meals and in my lessons. I thought I'd give them a go with the Skrewts again 'cos I still reckon that a Skrewt would never hurt a fly. Unless the fly got roasted in it's fire. Or suckered to death. A fly would probably be too small for a Skrewt to sting, though. But anyway, in my lesson, poor Hermione was barreled right over by a stray Skrewt let go, accidentally mind, by Ron. She turned a right Weasley red if ever I saw one, a definate sign that one day she'll be joining the family. At least that's what I hope, I have several Galleons riding on the chances of it happening.

Breakfast seemed very calm today. Too calm if you catch my drift. I was just telling Professor Sinastra about the medicinal purposes of Centaur brewed alcohols when all of a sudden hell broke loose. Again. Luckily Headmaster Dumbledore had been expecting this and froze the entire hall. So minor damages were made (Three (3) broken chairs, five (5) injured students, 25 points off Gryffindor, 5 points off Slytherin) He weren't half scary I'll say that. Great man, Dumbledore. Harry seemed to be in the middle of a dive, whether he were saving someone or just saving himself I'll never know. Hermione and Ron were caught pointing there wands at each other. They were escorted out of the hall by Dumbledore and no-one saw them again until lunch. Right dazed they were. Just sitting there…not eating or anything. Which was lucky 'cos my lesson was right after lunch. Easier to deal with them when they're quiet.

It were obvious that Dumbledore had enforced some sorta truce between the pair. I still don't think they've settled their argument though 'cos Hermione seems a bit dazed and Rons ears were bright red, never a good sign. Funnily enough Harry seemed rather subdued an' all. I reckon it was Miss Weasley making with the fluttering eyelids an' that. Somethings up and it ain't just me that thinks so. I got it on good authority that things is changing in Hogwarts. For the better? I don't know.

After lunch I thought I'd teach the class all about Fwoopers. Beautiful creatures they are, lovely colours and that sorta thing, and all of the class seemed to like them. However when I was talking about their song and how it could drive you mad, Malfoy made some sorta smart-ass remark about my lesson. I aimed a quick tripping jinx at him with me umbrella when he was leaving. I mean, it wasn't a big spell. I s'pose I shouldn't of used it. Dumbledore might be angry.

Unfortunately at dinner, the situation between Hermione and Ron seemed to have gone back to where they were this morning (fat lot of good it did them). Hermione was giving Ron the silent treatment but, unless I was mistaken, Ron kept giving her the look. That one between lads and lasses. I conferred with the rest of the staff and they all agreed with me. Snape seemed to be the only one who wasn't amused (cue death-glare) and I suspect he was holding himself back from finding a reason to take away house-points.

Nothing violent happened tonight so I count this dinner as a success. I told Harry to update me on the situation tomorrow and he gave me either a knowing look or a painful squint. It's hard to tell when those glasses are hiding his eyes. Perhaps it's the after-effects of that thing that happened with him, that ghost and that funny fairy thing. Wouldn't leave Flitwick alone, screeching about socks or something.

Well now, I've settled down in my cosy hut and I've tended to the Fwooper. Dumbledore recast the silencing spell on him so I shouldn't here a squeak out of him for a while. I'm just about to settle into my knitting again. This time I think I might attempt a jumper so I will need to use quite a lot of wool. I'm glad Molly Weasley taught me during the holidays 'cos it's keeping me busy during the cold evenings. However I think I need more practice before attempting socks again. Somehow they turned out without any heels on them so they looked just like tubes made from wool. I kept them on top of a shelf in the staff room but they fell on poor Professor Flitwick who was walking below. Perhaps iron wool was too heavy to knit. It certainly broke quite a few of my needles.

Nothing funny has happened in the Forest or the Lake lately, although I've seen that Lovegood girl hanging around my pumpkins a coupla' times. Nice girl. Wish she'd tell me what them Nargles she were on about were. So it's all quiet at the school. Number 1 rule of the _Hogwarts Standards_: "When all is quiet at Hogwarts, something big is going to happen" _Sub-section a127_: "Especially if the Weasley brothers are involved". I wouldn't be surprised.

Rubeus Hagrid

P.s. I must remember to ask the Centaurs about their revelling again. They've been seriously damaging school grounds and if I catch them ogling those poor nymphs again I'll have to give them a stern telling off. With my crossbow. And perhaps Fang, those Centaurs can get nasty when they've had a couple to drink.

P.s (2) Is it pearl one, knit one? Or the other way around… I think I've missed an arm somehow so perhaps I should leave it to one side. Dragons, I've decided, are a much easier and safer hobby to have then knitting. Who knew that a knitting needle could do so much damage, eh?

**A/N: **Please note that I was trying to write this chapter how Hagrid would write his journal, meaning that most (if not all) grammatical or spelling errors were intentional. Also, please don't ask me about Hagrid's accent. You can't write an accent, can you? Not even if you're a magical half-giant who works for the most powerful wizard of all time.


	4. Rupert But Not Grint

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N: **Still non-canon, we are on to the lovely Luna Lovegood and her friend

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**Rupert (But Not Grint)**

_Part IV: Told through the notes of Luna Lovegood_

Dear Brian,

Today has been rather intriguing as the Nargles are no longer inhabiting the mistletoe. Perhaps they took my words of advice and migrated for the winter. I hope so because then they could pass on my greetings to the Humdingers down south. Hermione and Ronald still seem a bit snippy with each other. I have been watching them from the Ravenclaw table and I've definitely saw signs of Spined Eros Flies causing sexual tension between them. When I conferred to Ginny about this point she could not answer me without giggling for a whole ten minutes. She is perhaps the strangest girl I know. It'll be the Nargles that got her… but I thought that they had migrated. I shall have to investigate further. Perhaps Gaspreys…

Transfiguration is a fascinating subject and I think I'll definitely attempt turning my quill into a whistle after I've finished writing this down. And the whistle will turn into a beetle, and a beetle will turn into a button and the button will turn into a quill and then I'll be back where I started, won't I diary? Rupert is in obvious agreement. Let me explain Rupert. This morning I decided to adopt a raspberry. This type of soft fruit has been known to get very lonely so I thought that I'd give them some company. I'd tried already and I think Neville had noticed because he was giving me odd looks from the Gryffindor table. It's nice that he notices. This morning I applied cushioning and preserving charms on my raspberry and I was pleased to note that it didn't go squash like the others. I have since noted the squashing to the presence of stray moonbeams who must hide in pockets so they don't disintegrate during day. And of course since I'm Luna they would naturally feel an affinity with me. It all makes perfect sense (just don't tell Hermione that because I think that she might get very annoyed)

Rupert and I loved Transfiguration even if McGonnagal seems disapproving of our theories. Why can't I turn a puppet into a human boy? Or a cactus into something that says "Gleep"? Today I changed a button into a beetle into a whistle then into a badge proclaiming "Weasley is My King" and then back to a button. It was a nice royal blue. The Sorting Hat didn't put me in Ravenclaw for nothing. Unfortunately the Professor saw my button and presumed I hadn't done anything so I had to do it all again. She seemed impressed but I was preoccupied with being on the lookout for Gaspreys as they can swoop in and steal your consciousness at any time. In fact, I think that they won't be around for some time now. Mating season, you know…

Herbology bored me so I won't recount it. I've heard that Neville likes plants. I hope **he** doesn't mind. Lunch was enjoyable and Rupert was nearly eaten. Luckily I had cast a complicated Charm on him so that the silly person turned bright yellow, steam came out of their ears and they promptly spat it back out again. Everyone seemed to give me an even wider berth after this. Oh well. Luckily after lunch I had Charms with Ginny and Flitwick gave me some points for my display at lunch. Ginny told me about the advances in Hermiones and Rons argument. Apparently they have reached the silent treatment stage so I informed Ginny that soon enough they would start dating. I hope Ginny agrees as she looked very skeptical. I have pooled in a few Galleons with Hagrid and we are both looking forward to our winnings. Hagrid is a very nice man because he agrees with most of my theories on Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. He has however pointed out that the common Muggle name is a Mountain Goat and that we are probably looking in the wrong place. "If you want magical goats, yer'll need to look in Tibet, tha's where they're bred" he said. I will have to tell Daddy.

I liked dinner- Steak and Kidney pie, my favourite! Rupert didn't get eaten this time which was a shame because I'd taken the precaution of adding a few more charms that interested me. I took a sly glance at Neville and he promptly dropped his cutlery and his mashed potatoes onto the front of his robes. How adorable. Ginny seemed to be stifling a giggle so I hope that the Nargles come back and get her. Arithmancy will help. Harry has stopped being so active and seems very sullen. It must be hormones. That or the Gaspreys have already got him.

Or it could be something to do with Moaning Myrtle. I talked to Ginny and she said it was something to do with her brothers. They said that it wasn't their fault that the charm was so strong and anyway it was Lee's fault too. I asked him and he told me that he never meant to put the potion by Harry's meal. And when I asked Moaning Myrtle, all she did was cry and tell me about annoying fairies and nasty boys who won't tell the truth. What a mess Harry is in.

Ginny and I made up a song during dinner which I will now record:

_Hermione and Ron,_

_We're sure thay can get it on,_

_The one is tall with red hair,_

_The other with a scary glare,_

_The one is thick,_

_The other clever,_

_One guards goals,_

_The other floats feathers,_

_(on their first go at that)_

_I think it's a cheek that Ron isn't fat_

And here's a guide to each of the lines:

1. This is about Hermione and Ron,

2. In a relationship you know,

3. Ron,

4. Hermione,

5. Ron (Ginny said this),

6. Hermione again,

7. As a keeper,

8. In Charms,

9. Or so says Ginny,

10. And that's true

Ginny got very giggly indeed on that last line which I supplied but I don't see why because it is true that Ron eats an awful lot of food at all meals. He doesn't need to be a growing boy anymore because he already towers over most people.

Now I'm sitting in my room writing this whilst making notes about the mating habits of the specific tribe of Nargles I have befriended. Perhaps Ginny and Harry will be willing to stand under the mistletoe for me. In an entirely innocent manner of course. Not that I meant thay fancied each other. Nope. Not one bit. Okay, perhaps it was strongly implied but it's because I'm getting quite brave now that I have successfully warded myself against Gasprey attacks. I didn't expect that radishes and butterbeer infused cork would help but that is what the book said.

Yours Dizzily (wrong charm on the pillow cases) Luna

P.s. I think that Ruperts charms will have to be renewed as he is looking a bit squishy. Perhaps Neville would like him as I gift. MacGonnagoogle would be a better name for the Transfiguration professor. Perhaps yellow was too strong a colour. Mauve? Beige? Puce? I'll sleep on it.


	5. Heartaches and Daydreams

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** Non-canon and proud. Ginny next.

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**Note: **This narrative takes place on the same day as Luna's narrative.

**A Teenage Narrative on the Social Happenings at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Heartaches and Daydreams**

_Part V: Told through the diary of Ginevra Weasley_

Dear Diary,

Ron and Hermione are still not talking to each. Am I surprised? Those two can hardly stand next to each other without finding something to argue about. Like a pair of old witches. Luna told me that it was all down to sexual tension caused by Spiked Enos Flies (or something like that). When she loftily informed me that the signs were obvious (reddening of the ears and more volume to the hair) I just couldn't stop myself from laughing any longer. Despite being a dear friend, I have no qualms in saying that Luna must be the strangest girl I've ever met. She once told me that Gargoyles were more attracted to those of a male persuasion and especially blondes. Ha, Malfoy will have enamoured statues stalking him by the end of the month if the world followed Luna's reality. And Hermione and Ron would be dating. I can't decide which would be more likely.

It was Potterwatch time at breakfast. I was gazing dreamily at Harry because he's so adorable. Come on, green eyes, cute messy hair that you want to run your hands through and an ass you could bounce a sickle off- what kind of girl wouldn't give her life for a chance with that guy? Ahem, I'll pick my tongue up from off the floor and mop up the drool, shall I?

Back to breakfast: Ron and Hermione were pointedly ignoring each other, Michael Corner was avoiding the toast (Why?) and Fred and George were doing laughter inducing impressions of Dumbledore using their new invention: _Face Changing Face Masks_! Simply apply the face mask, state the name of the intended victim and you will be able to have their face for a full five minutes. So we were being entertained by a pair of Dumbledores capering around shouting "Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, Tweak!" Of course, several students bought them until Snape swooped down. He was drawn over because Fred (George?) had charmed a load of the masks onto the Slytherins and George (Fred?) shouted "Snape!" as loud as possible across the room. So Fred and George were escorted away not by one but by twenty different Snapes, all looking as mean as each other. (Just imagine if there were that many in real life. I shudder to think)

The first lesson I had was Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws. Luna is absolutely amazing at Transfiguration. McGonnagal had given us buttons to turn into beetles. Luna went many steps further and turned the beetle into a whistle, the whistle into a purple badge and then the badge back into a button again. And this was before McGonnagal had even made it around half of the class! I turned my button into a handsome green beetle with nice lightning bolt shapes on each wing case (perhaps I am a bit obsessed) McGonnagal pointed these out, halfway between disapproving and amused. Luna entertained me with a raspberry that marched up and down the desk proclaiming that if you kiss under the mistletoe the Nargles will get you. This addition to her magical companions goes by the name Rupert and curses the air blue if you try and sit on him (pratically demonstrated by the hapless Michael Corner) And then she burst into an enthusiastic explanation of why a Gaspree (What?) makes you gormless. She is odd.

Herbology was fascinating (don't listen to Luna, she hates it) as we were studying the life cycles of Mandrakes. Unfortunately I sported a fetching pair of orange ear muffs. They clashed with my horribly bright red hair. Harry once said my hair was like dancing flames, shimmering red. I had to stop myself from melting into a puddle after he said that, my knees were soooo weak. However, Luna seemed elsewhere during Herbology and opted to stick Butterbeer corks in her ears instead of ear muffs. Of course she had to enlarge her ears so the corks fit in enhancing her odd appearance. I don't know why she just didn't shrink the corks but that's Luna for you. Oddly enough she also seemed to pocket a couple of radishes. I didn't ask. When you've known someone like Luna for as long as I have, you'll realise that asking questions only leads to knowing things that you'd never even _want_ to think about. Poor, poor Michael. And to think that I went out with that git. Yeurrgh.

After lunch we had Charms and Professor Flitwick gave twenty house points to Luna because she had made a boy glow yellow because he tried to eat Rupert. The raspberry that is. I was telling Luna about Hermione and Ron and their silent treatment but Luna reckons they're going to start dating. She even has ten galleons on the event of Ron and Hermiones first kiss within two weeks maximum. She is mad! Oddly enough after that she started to ramble on about Hagrid and goats so I tuned out and thought of Harry. He can save me from a fate worse than death any day. And I could snuggle up against his chest and… Already happened I suppose.

We then had a free period because we have Astronomy today. I hope Luna remembers this time. She can be such a ditz sometimes. Luna and I chilled in the library and she put some more charms on her raspberry, including one that turned you into a donkey and then a cabbage that sang "Another One Bites The Dust", some obscure Muggle song. I mean why would you even try to bite dust? Some of the spells she found come from these really old and dusty arcane volumes of magic with names like "**Howe to Make Thine Victym Suffer- One Thousande And One Curses For All Occasiones**". She can be scary sometimes, people may underestimate her but I'd hate to come up in a fight against her.

Luna made Neville all nervous and flustered during dinner which made me giggle. Harry seems to be in a mood. I shall have to 'cheer him up'. Luna and I made up this song about Hermione and Ron during dinner:

_Hermione and Ron,_

_We're sure thay can get it on,_

_The one is tall with red hair,_

_The other with a scary glare,_

_The one is thick,_

_The other clever,_

_One guards goals,_

_The other floats feathers,_

_(on their first go at that)_

_I think it's a cheek that Ron isn't fat_

I burst into another fit of giggles when Luna supplied the last line because it's so true. I reckon Ron was in a freak magical accident at birth and someone conjoured a bottomless pit inside his stomach. I realy don't know where he puts it all. Are his legs hollow, perhaps?

I have Astronomy soon so I'll have to meet up with Luna again. Last time I saw her she was fiddling about with wire, radishes, corks and some string whilst muttering "this'll show them". I worry about her sometimes. I'm off now to do a quick spot of Potter watching before going to find Luna.

Yours,  
Ginny

P.s. I've caught Harry looking at my arse. Again. Maybe there is hope after all. Or maybe the twins have made me sit in flour just like that time with Auntie Mildred all over again. How mortifying.

_After Astronomy_

Luna didn't remember Astronomy so I had to fetch her from their common room, making us both late and losing us points. And it was just like that time with Auntie Mildred. I'll get those gits. Still, I didn't mind having Harry making half-hearted attempts to get that stuff off my bum. He didn't seem to mind either. God. I think I need a cold shower to stop this active mind.

Goodnight,  
Ginny x


	6. A Night To Remember

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** Non-canon and proud, what happens when our lovely Hermione confronts Ron?

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**A Night To Remember**

_Part VI: Told through the diary of Hermione Granger_

Dear Diary,

Ron has still not correctly apologised yet. I can't believe what an idiot he really is. I mean honestly, quote one tiny fact from Hogwarts: A History and suddenly you're a know-it-all who is boring every living soul in the Great Hall! So I gave him a piece of my mind and told him that he was an ignorant twit who was unwilling to take interest in the world around him unless the world happens to be Quidditch related. And that was four days ago. He's such an ignorant, incomprehending prig, if I didn't l… He should at least say sorry I mean.

Now it's nearly the weekend and that prat still hasn't apologised. Since then we've exchanged every hex, jinx and curse under the sun and finally ended up ignoring each other. Git. Serves him right. I mean I thought that when Dumbledore took us away and made us discuss our problems honestly with each other, he'd be enough of a gentleman to apologise. But no. He's Ron. By the end of the day he'd managed to offend me once again and so I turned to the silent treatment. And he keeps being creepy. I keep catching him staring at me and once I could've sworn he hid a drawing when I passed by. Must be that stupid crush on that air-head bimbo Lavender. Not that I have anything personal against her but she is just…urgh.

But since this lunch-time, I think he might've taken a turn for the better. As good as you can get with an immature Weasley. Harry was once again careering aroung the hall with the abandon of a mad-man (a slight relapse perhaps?) with a lovestruck Ginny close behind, the Weasley twins were causing chaos with those mask thingies, Luna Lovegood was ranting on about Snarfungles or something illogical like that, Hagrid was making big gestures to Professor Flitwick and Malfoy was looking smug. But there was absolutely no sign of Ron whatsoever. I though he'd finally had the decency to keep out of my way but then Pigwidgeon swooped down from the roof. Well nto so much as swooped as dropped as he was carrying a letter twice the size of him. He dropped the note on my table and you can imagine my surprise when I immediately recognised Rons scruffy handwriting, from correcting his homework of course. Well of course I read it.

The strange missive was asking me to see him in the Room of Requirement after dinner. Well dinner has just finished and I've polished off my diary entry so I suppose I better go and see what he wants. He better keep a civil tongue in his head or I'll give him a rant that would put his mother to shame.

I hope whatever he has to grunt won't take long because I still have another foot of an extra curricular Arithmancy essay I want to write. And then perhaps I can settle down with a good book. A nice, Ronless evening to myself.

Cordially Yours,

Hermione

* * *

Dear Diary,

I've gone and put my foot in it now. That's right, Hermione Jane Granger has made a mistake and I think it will be the mistake to top all others. I went and met Ron and I was absolutely gobsmacked when I entered the room. It was a beautiful terrace overlooking a Mediterranean garden, with a sunset over the sea on the horizon and the air full of birdsong. It was somewhere near Italy from the looks of things and there was somewhere to sit and the air was still warm enough to be comfortable in a shirt. Perfect. I almost forgot to remind him that it was after curfew. But from then on things went pear-shaped. Ron and I started talking about our argument and I thought I was just about to coax an apology, even a half-hearted one, out of him when out of the blue he asked why this meant so much to me. So I replied that I don't like to referred to as boring and over-studious and too smart for her own good. And then he said that I shouldn't even care and that I could go and hang out with other people for all he cared. And then it happened. I started heatedly saying that that was the problem and that he never even noticed him and how tragically ironic it was because I loved him. Oops. I realised what I had said and I ran leaving him with a mortified expression on his cute freckled face.

Now how will I ever face him again? He's one of my only good friends and I've probably pushed him away forever. Oh, I'm so stupid. What if he doesn't even like me? That's probably why he's so mean to me all the time. Oh stupid me. Stupid handsome Ron making me say things I regret afterwards. Oh no. It's Ron. He's sent Lavender (of all the people in the common room, he chose her? Why?) up to see if he could talk to me. She just said that he looks hopeful. Hopeful? For what? I suppose I better go and see him. I don't think there's any way I could make this worse.

Wish me luck,

Hermione

* * *

Oh my god! He kissed me. No, wait, that's not right. Let me start again…

Dear Diary,

Oh my god! He kissed me! Ronald Bilius Weasley kissed me and held me in his arms and he was so handsome and considerate and oh boy I think I really do love him, look at me, this writing probably would sound like a giddy schoolgirl is writing it. But I am a giddy schoolgirl! At least now I can happily say SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Ha, I'm on seventh heaven.

Oh how wonderful. Dear Ron, he apologised and then seemed to get awkward and then he lifted my chin up (his hands are surprisingly so soft) and then he confessed he has loved me since we first met. How sweet and romantic is that? And then he kissed me and it seemed to last an eternity! And then he asked me to go to Hogsmeade with him and I said yes! Of course I will. It is so exciting. I can hear footsteps so I suspect it is the other girls. I'll have to tell them everything.

Yours truly giddily,

Hermione

P.s. Hermione Jane Weasley. Sounds good doesn't it? But we musn't let ourselves think too far ahead. That wouldn't do at all… Perhaps a traditional white wedding is in order? Just kidding.


	7. A Night He'll Never Forget

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N: **Canon? I don't think so girl (or boy). Ron's version of events.

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story. I also claim no ownership over Douglas Adam's brilliant A Hitchhiker's Guide

**Note:** This chapter takes place coupled with the previous chapter.

**A Night He'll Never Forget**

_Part VII: Told through the diary of Ron Weasley_

Dear Diary,

Merlin. Hermione still hasn't talked to me since she blew things out of proportion. I mean all I did was joke that she was 'boring' us all (like I was even listening to her waffle on about that stupid book) and she explodes with anger and accuses me of not caring about anything but Quidditch. I mean, what has she got against Quidditch? It's only a game. So maybe I did say some hurtful things but she should have had the intelligence to see that I was joking. She has the intelligence to see everything else. And it escalated since then. We've experienced between us awkward silences, nasty hexes and a great deal of arguments. I wouldn't be surprised if at one point my ears actually started to bleed…they sure felt like it. And I can't believe that she accused me off letting a Skrewt knock her down on purpose. I mean, I lo…like her too much for that. As a friend. Nothing else…I think.

Professor Dumbledore took us apart and I explained my side of the story but by the end of the day I had apparently said something hurtful again (something about "a brain the size of a planet" or something. It was _meant_ to be a compliment. Bloody Muggles) and she gave me the silent treatment. What bloody cheek, eh? So I haven't been able to talk to her. And I've sat there like some love-struck prat staring at her. I don't know why, I mean, It's not like I fancy her or anything…Is it? Merlin, she caught me the once and I thought I was going to put even our Weasley blush to shame.

I couldn't just walk up to her so I formed a cunning plan. Well, not really that cunning. I asked Harry what he'd do and he told me to just write her a note saying to meet me in the Room of Requirement after dinner. I ignored his apparent hilarity at my situation (if I ever catch those brothers of mine doing anything to Harry again, I'll skin them. Bloody embarassing. Bad enough with someone like Parkinson, but Myrtle? Ugh.) So I crossed my fingers and sent Pig off with it. I grabbed a spot of tucker in the kitchens (those House-Elfs can really make steak and kidney pie) and then headed for the library… where I am now actually. I haven't had a reply. I hope she got it alright. And if she did, will she even bother to turn up? I don't even know what I'm going to say. Well, time to go into the dragon's den. Wish me luck.

Roonil

P.s God, I've got to remember to get this bloody quill fixed…If I see Roonil bloody Wazlib again I'll scream

* * *

Ermmm…

Roonil Wazlib, Potions Essay…

Damn

I mean:

Dear Diary,

Oh dear, Hermione's left me in a daze. Okay, let's start at the beginning. I set up the room all nice, like a Mediterranean garden because she mentioned she liked Italy the once and I sat down with Hermione and we started a civil conversation about our argument. I was going to apologise but then I went and asked why it meant so much to her. I mean really, it was only a petty argument after all… wasn't it? But, yeah, she snapped back and I said something stupid I can't remember and then she said something about irony because she loved me.

She. Loves. Me. Not McLaggen. Not Vicky the Bulgarian. Me. Just me. I was absolutely gobsmacked and I just stared at her like a gorm, watching her run out of the room like a rabbit in the wandlight. Why oh why didn't I do anything to stop her?

So how will I face her? I mean I can't just blurt it out. And she'll be so embarrassed because she normally never lets anything slip. Right. I'm a man on a mission. If I can't do this, I'll eat my Chudley Cannons hat. I'll get Lavender to help. She definitely owes me a favour. Or two. (Michael Corner eh? He get's around. Blackmail- the persuasion that never fails) Well, dammit. I better go back to the common room. It's now or never.

Wish me luck,

Ron

P.s. Kiss her? Hug her? Ask her out? Aaargh, I think my head will explode if I don't do something. Right. Going now. Right now. Straight away. Bye then.

* * *

OH. MY. GOD. I kissed Hermione Jane Granger and she kissed me back…

YES!YES!YES!YES!YES! We kissed and nothing went wrong! Thank Merlin for that! And I held her and gazed into her eyes and all that soppy crap like my mum's romance novels. Not that I've ever read those sorta things. And everyone cheered apart from Harry who looked like he was chasing someone… weirdo. Sometimes I don't know why he befriended me. But anyway, I'm sitting here, in a daze. With a big goofy grin on my face probably. And I'm going to Hogsmeade with her. I can't possibly cock it up this time! Anyway the lads are all coming up now so I'll have to go.

Ron

P.s. Blimey when Mum finds this out, it'll be weddings planned, engagement rings, dress robes. Two words: bloody briliant.


	8. We Solemnly Swear We Are Up To No Good

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N: **Slightly shorter chapter here concerning our favourite twins.

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**We Solemnly Swear We Are Up To No Good!**

_Part VIII: Told through the journal of Messrs Fred and George Weasley, Proud Creators of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes- Coming to a town near you!_

**WARNING!:** To all illegal purveyors of this hallowed script, we first congratulate you on cracking our complicated code of Charms, Transfiguration and Potions. Yes indeed my dear bro… I'll write thank you Fred. Right, secondly, we wish to noww point out that this document will close in roughly thirty seconds, relocking and recoding it's data to an entirely new cypher. Thirdly, we hope to express our congratulations in the only way we know how. Please enjoy your half hour stint as a small rabbit.- Messrs Weasley

**Potion Test No. 433**

**Name:** Unknown- Hysteria Potion perhaps? What about Madness Drink? _Barmy Butterbeer? That'll infringe copyright…_ Stick with Hysteria Potion? _Sure_

**Details:** Created in a random Potions experiment. Whilst trying to inhance the effects of Giggling Tincture we accidentally used crushed Billywig Stings instead of powdered Asphodel Root infused in ginger oil. However the cauldron did not explode and the potion shows similar characteristics to both energy replenishing potions and giddying solution. In typical fashion, we plan to test this new product on our brother, Ron.

**The Plan:** Right Gred. Gred. That is so passé now don't you think? Anyway, simply infusing Butterbeer with this potion would work a treat, don't you reckon? _However the potion combination of the ingredients in Butterbeer might destabilise the potion. Pumpkin Juice should be tempting after a Quidditch practice and it would be neutral enough not to destabilise this brew._ Leave it in the changing room? _Anyone could drink it there. How about the common room annexe?_ I agree but heads down, here comes McGonnagal. _Over and out._

**Recording Quill Activated…**

**Speaker Identified: Fred Weasley- Venerable Creator**

F.. Blimey George, this quill works a treat desn't it? Venerable? Posy thing. Just watch it go on and on…

**Speaker Identified: George Weasley- Hallowed Creator**

G.. Too right it does… Is hallowed better or worse than venerable? Hold on… I reckon this is Ron now. Hide. No, not in there…. Shhhh. Get the ears out.

**+ A door opens+Footsteps+Sounds of drinking+**

**Speaker Identified: Ronald Weasley- Bottomless Pit, Brother**

R.. That hits the spot. Here you lot all have some too.

**Speakers Identified: Hermione Granger- Friend, Prodigy**

**Harry Potter- Friend, Chosen One**

**Ginny Weasley- Potter Fangirl and Sister**

**+Murmuring+Sounds of drinking+**

HG.. Are you sure we should drink this guys?

Gi.. Come on Hermione. What's the worst it could do?

**+Giggles+**

**+Sounds of a door opening and closing+**

**+Muffled:**

HP.. Lets go have fun… Snape Baiting!

Gi.. Yay fun!

HG.. Does… Does anyone else feel like taking their clothes off?

R.. Nudity?

Gi.. Yay nudity!

…

F.. Well, that certainly isn't good.

G.. Not good at all, oh brother of mine

F.. Better…

G.. Follow them? I agree.

**+Sounds of a door opening and closing+Footsteps+**

G.. There they are!

**+ Sounds of spell-casting + Sounds of glass breaking +Sounds of screaming +**

F.. Did you see what they did to that chandelier, George?

G.. Watch out firstie… oh no. You can see why they're running.

F.. Aaaargh, my eyes. How can you bear this?

G.. They're through the window- dammit, they're splitting up. You go and try to get Ginny and lover boy…

F.. You get the red-eared adonis and his bushy-haired friend…

G.. I'm going to need therapy after this.

F.. Agreed. Terminate recording.

**Recording Quill Terminated**

**Damage Report:**

Tables overturned in several classes; traumitised Firsties; Mrs Norris stuck in a tree; several of the Slytherin Quidditch team 'immobilised'; compromising pictures of Harry taken by a certain Mr. Creevey; Harry, Ginny, Hermione and Ron indulged in either full or partial nudity until apprehended by the joint efforts of several teachers; damage to the Whomping Willow (yeah, where have we heard that before? _Snape would blame them for turning the sky blue and the grass green if he could_); Snape's paranoia increased to fever pitch (Brilliant. Pranking will never be the same again. _Two words- Snape Baiting. That potion at least gave us one good idea._ Harry _is_ the Chosen One, I'm not surprised he came up with that); Dumbledore hospitalised after the effects of a famed 'Bat-Bogey' Curse from our dearest sister…_I never thought that she's reach such noble feats, eh Fred? _I'm so proud of our little Gin-Gin. Hermione and Ron seem to be snogging more and Harry and Ginny are edging closer to dating. _Great. Two mini-Cassanovas on our hands. Like we don't see enough bloody tongue tennis in the Common Room already. _You're only angry because you can't get any action. _I can't get any action? _You said it. I'm the more good-looking of us two. _How the hell can you tell the difference? _Shows your ignorance in what the ladies like, George. Admit defeat! _Never!! _Two words: Prank War!! _Finish this first? _Might as well...

**Review:**

Well from what I saw the potion seems to enhance the magical ability of the drinker but effectively removes inhibitions, rational thought and a degree of sanity. A result I hope never to see again, the look on Creevey's face when he saw Harry in the buff was truly disturbing. _I agree fellow Weasley. The results were dangerous and disgusting. One normally wishes not to see that amount of skin from your little sister and friends in an open area. I suggest we dispose of this potion immediately as a service to the planet._

**Result:** Highly dangerous- Do Not attempt to market.

**Notes:** God, after that fiasco with the cheering charm and that… _Hysteria Potion mk I?_ Yeah… I thought we'd seen the last of Harry acting like…like _a mentally instable person?_ Well put. Well I suppose we can stand whatever punishments they throw at us. _Au contrare, mon frere. They can't prove anything…_

Messrs Fred and George Weasley

_Mischief Managed_


	9. Ooh, Lovely Pussums

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**A/N:** Non-canon bitch. Are you ready, are you ready for more? McGonnagal, are you ready…

Ooh, Lovely Pussums

_Part IX: Told through the Journal of the Order of the Phoenix- Author: Minerva McGonnagal_

**Recording Quill Activated…**

**Speaker Identified- Professor McGonnagal- Possible Enemy and Head of House**

McG.. Tch. Possible enemy indeed. Just thank goodness I managed to confiscate this from Fred and George Weasley, though how they made it I'll never know. They at least will get 10 points for pure genius, not that it will make a difference after losing 50… anyway…

**+Sounds of speaker clearing throat+**

**Codename:** Kitty

**Real Name:** Minerva McGonnagal

**Rendevous Point:** Nodrich's Apocethary, Kings Heath

**Back-up Journal Location:** Gringotts Bank, Sub-Vault 432A

McG.. This is an unnoficial entry, detailing recent worrying events at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry concerning the sanity of Harry James Potter, Ronald Bilius Weasley, Hermione Jane Granger and Ginevra Molly Weasley. Also, to a lesser degree, we need to carefully examine the usefulness of the Weasley twins. I for one am ready to induct them…mischievous though they may be.

**Speaker Identified- Sirius Black- Marauder (?) and Godfather to the Saviour**

SB.. Why in Merlin's name have you got a codename Minerva? What do you think this is? A Muggle spy film?

McG.. Kindly wait your turn to speak for the journal Sirius.

SB.. Wait a minute… why are you questioning Harry's sanity?

**Speaker Identified- Remus Lupin- Wolf, Marauder (?) and a generally great guy**

RL.. Who's questioning Harry's sanity?

McG.. He destroyed a portion of the school and…indecently exposed himself though we suspect he was under the influ…

SB.. Wahey! Way to go Harry! That's one way to pull in the ladies! Just like your Uncle Sirius eh Remus?

RL.. Indeed. Exactly like his Uncle Sirius. Remember James' most famous prank?

SB.. Ah…well…we wouldn't record that would we? Old Friend?

McG.. Sirius if you will not take this seriously then kindly leave…

SB.. Fine, I'll go check on Kreacher

**+Sound of transformation+Sound of footsteps+**

RL.. I'll just be leaving shall I…

**+Sounds of footsteps+**

McG.. Anyway it seems that several classrooms have been damaged, though not beyond repair, several First years are still in shock, Mrs. Norris has broken bones and I have already had to confisca…

MEM.. CONSTANT VIGILENCE MINERVA!

**Speaker Identified- Mad-Eye Moody, Ministry Official Paranoia Expert**

McG.. AAAARGH!… Alastor, I do wish you'd give this old heart a rest for once and notify me of your arrival.

MEM.. We're near war, Minerva. No time for small mercies. Anyway, we've made a breakthrough. Potter and co. appear to have been under the influence of a Potion. The last thing they remember was drinking pumpkin juice and then waking up in compromising positions. Not a pleasant experience but those damned teenagers are always up to that stuff eh?

McG.. I assure you not in my house Alastor.

MEM.. Hmph… we presume the potion was meant to get Potter into the clutches of the Dark Lord…again.

McG.. Actually, I already have a signed confession from the Weasley twins so strong was their guilt.

**+Sound of rustling paper+**

MEM.. Hmm, doubt it's a forgery.Fair enough Minerva. Just remember: CONSTANT VIGILENCE!

**+Sound of footsteps+**

McG.. Crazy, old.. ahem, where was I? Oh yes, I have already had to confiscate several comprimising photographs of Potter and Co. though I suspect they are still being manufactured by a certain Mr. Creevey who has gained a rather heightened position within the school. Especially amongst the young women. However,this case has been solved and punishment dealt to the Weasley brothers who profusely swear never to test unknown potions on relatives. This wording concerns me but it is as good as it gets with those pranksters. Report over.

In other business, and in case you are listening Albus, I am done with being a messenger. I don't mind being an animagus but delivering messages to Arabella Figg is so embarassing. And I swear if she calls me 'pussums' again I'll hex hear ears off. What the…?

**Speaker Identified- Snape, Git**

Sn.. I'm so sexy, I love you and you love me… let me help you with that… my physique… yes, quite admirable isn't it? … My hair?… Loreal For Kids but don't tell anyone

**+Sound of sniggering+**

Sn.. Minerva? How long have you been there?

McG.. What are you doing with that mirror Severus? Wait, were you talking to yourself?

…

…

Sn.. Let us never speak of this again.

McG.. Agreed. Terminate recording.

Sn.. Wait? Recordi…

**Recording Terminated**

**Post-script Report:** _McG_: That's it- say "bye bye ears" Mrs Figg. Severus is paranoid. But at least his hair looks soft and shiny… _SS_: The above recording of I, Severus Snape, is a complete fabrication and a flagrant disregard for reality. That is all. _SB_: Suuurre… we all believe Snape don't we guys? _APWBD, SM, CW of W_: May I please remind my esteemed colleagues that this journal is for pressing Order matters only? Now if someone could find me some lemon drops…


	10. Pureblood Paranoia

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** Draco. Non-canon. No offence to homosexuals everywhere

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**Pureblood Paranoia**

_Part X: Told through the spoken Journal of Draco Malfoy, Heir to the Malfoy Family_

**Head Auror Potter: This recording was found in a thorough search of Malfoy Mansion. Mr. Draco Malfoy had a severe negative reaction to the discovery of the Muggle device and so it was confiscated for legal reasons. After analysation, we have found that this tape holds only comical value. I am incredibly disturbed at the connotations that this tape holds. Circulate this recording around all Head Offices.**

**_Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat_**

**PLAY RECORDING?**

**RECORDING PLAYING…**

"This button is it... Is this thing on? I swear if that Mudblood was lying about this…thing I confiscated I'll curse her to Azkaban and back. Damn Muggles and their technology. I swear they're all out to get me. Aha, the red light must mean that it's working!"

_"Who are you talking to Draco? Yourself?"_

**(Voice identified as Blaise Zabini, a Male Slytherin Prefect at this time)**

"What? No Blaise I swear I was not talking to myself. Why would I even talk to myself? It's a completely ridiculous notion that you have concocted just now…"

"_Whatever you say Malfoy. I'm taking the dungeons, okay?"_

"Yes, I'll check the broom cupboards, you check the dungeons. **FOOTSTEPS** Right. He's gone. Aaaah, broom cupboard duty, a chance to break up perfectly happy couples and mar relationships for all time. Heh,heh. I'm such a bastard. **FOOTSTEPS**

"Right, what's behind door number one? **DOOR OPENS; SCREAM** Aha, you two, twenty points of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff respectively and back to your dormitories"

"_Puffed-up little snake…I swear one day Malfoy…"_

**(Voice identified as Zacharias Smith, a Male Hufflepuff at this time)**

**(Companion, unknown Ravenclaw)**

"You swear what? Remember that you are adressing a Prefect…That's right…walk away. **FOOTSTEPS** See, out to get me I tell you, all of them damn it! Ahem. **FOOTSTEPS**

"Professor Snape seems to be even more paranoid than ever. He's stopped taking points off those stupid Gryffindors and Scarhead particularly and I've caught him muttering stuff about mirrors and damn Scots. Perhaps the Potion fumes have finally gone to his head. Though I can't help but notice that he seems to have done something with his hair.

"Aah, I hear something. **DOOR OPENS** BOO! **GASP **Aha! Granger and Weasley, twenty points off Gryffindor each for doing innapropriate things in a cupboard when you should be doing your rounds…**MUTTERS** stupid Mudblood"

"_Twenty points from Slytherin for insulting a fellow Prefect."_

**(Voice identifies as Ronald Bilius Weasley, Gryffindor Prefect at this time)**

"_Thanks Ron"_

**(Voice identified as Hermione Jane Granger, Gryffindor Prefect at this time)**

"_We're Prefects too y'know Ferret. We'll be on our way"_**FOOTSTEPS**

"What did I say? Do the perfectly logical Slytherin action and you get near assaulted. I was only enforcing the rules of Hogwarts. Those Gryffindors, they're out to get me I tell you"

"_Stupid Blondie is too uptight,_

_Sits up thinking all through the night,_

_He thinks he's going to get attacked,_

_But he acts like his heads been whacked!_

_Silly paranoid Malfoy muttering to himself"_

**(Voice identified as Peeves, Hogwarts Poltergeist)**

"Get lost Peeves. What did that filthy werewolf use? Oh yes some gum… Waddiwassi. **CURSING** Hah, served him right.

"Hey, hold on a minute, I swear I just heard chanting behind this door. Probably some interesting Slytherin cult, there's enough of them about. I better check anyway…**DOOR OPENS** What in the name of all that's pure-blooded is going on in here?"

"_Malfoy! Merlin!"_

**(Voice identified as Colin Creevey, Gryffindor at this time)**

"_We can all explain!"_

**(Voice identified as Dennis Creevey, Gryffindor at this time)**

"_This definitely isn't what it looks like!"_

**(Voice identified as Ginevra Molly Weasley, Gryffindor at this time)**

"Shut it Creevey, Creevey, Weasley. I don't want to hear you pathetic excuses. Now why are you and the rest of your gang… yes I see you Vane and you too Patil and Patil, don't try sneaking out or double the points off your houses. Anyway why are you on your knees. You, Brown, why are you looking over there… Pansy? Pansy, what the hell are you doing hanging out with these losers?"

_"You gotta admit that Potter's got a massive w-"_

**(Voice identified as Pansy Parkinson, Slytherin at this time)**

What?… **GASP** SWEET MERLIN! Is that really…I don't believe it… how can you look at that all night?…rather large actually…Merlin…You took this Creevey? Yes I thought so. **MUTTERS **little perv. Hmmm…Deliver five copies of this anonymously to Potions Lab Eight and I'll forget this incident even happened. Don't look at me like that. I just thought I… I mean, some of the girls would like them."

"_Queer"_

"That didn't sound like a cough to me Weasel. Ten points off Gryffindor. I'm going now… no I don't even want to know Creevey. **DOOR CLOSES**

"Merlin, some of the oddballs in this school. I can't believe Potter has such a big… I mean those were frankly disgusting. Perhaps we can use them as dartboards in the Common Room? After that disgusting display I shall have to go to bed and think about… I mean sleep, yes that's all I'll be doing, sleeping.

_"Stupid Scot...bending me over a barrel like that...Ah, Malfoy. Wipe that smirk off your face, I was merely using figurative speech. And turn that damn Muggle device off before some Slytherin sees you. You'll bring disgrace on my house. Now away" _**FOOTSTEPS**

**(Voice identified as Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin and Potions Professor at this time)**

"Yes sir. How do you turn this stupid thing off? Where's that damn.. aha"

**RECORDING FINISHED**

**Remember that homosexuality is not something to be laughed at or frowned upon. Unless it's Malfoy.**

**Auror Ronald Weasley**


	11. The Explanation Chapter

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** Dumbledore. Non-canon etc. Yeah, sorry. It's a sort-of bridging chapter that introduces some important plot-lines and explanations

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story.

**The Explanation Chapter**

_Part XI: Told through the Diary of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

Diary,

There are strange goings on within the hallowed walls of our school. Thoug I must confess that this does not surprise me. Instead it reminds me of one time with Alfred Dingle and the room full of Exploding Strawberry Bon-Bons. It's located on the fourth floor near the Arithmancy department. Dingle went to find a lavatory but, upon finding this room, quickly forgot about his pressing needs and went to find all of his close associates, myself included. I shall not divulge the full details (those shall safely stay in my memories only) but it subsequently led to a school-wide epidemic of bon-bons. If only my experiment to turn them into Lemon Drops had succeeded… I wouldn't recquire the constant help of my… supplier.

But where was I, since I have distracted myself somewhat. Ah, yes, the strange goings on. Well it seems that since the debacle with Harry and Moaning Myrtle, things have intensified in… strangeness. Miss Granger's realisation of affection for Mr. Weasley seems to precede a strange affair involving copious nudity. There has been several instances in which Mr. Corner has appeared in nefarious plots. Mr. Creevey has raised his status within the school with the supply of various… indecent photographs of Harry. And Mr. Finnegan has frequently appeared alone and naked, tied up and unconcious in broom cupboards, the only clue to this mysterious crime being a bowl of lukewarm mashed potato placed upon his head.

Despite the seeming coincidental nature of these goings on, I have done some further research into these oddities and discovered that someone- or indeed, something- has upset the magical balance of nature, causing various unexplainable… things… to happen. One example was the appearance of a small, blue elephantine creature that mournfully hooted at me and then scuttled off to some unknown dark corner of the castle. It has still elluded me.

Dobby has informed me that the elves have sensed these changes and Hagrid has told me that the amount of centaur activity during the night has increased substantially. Remus Lupin has informed me of an impromptu meeting of the wolves due to some earth-threatening event and even the giants, it seems, are unnerved. I have good reason to believe that this rift in the magical balance has been created by Lord Voldemort. He has for too long remained in hiding so I strongly suspect that soon he will unleash yet another plot on Harry's life.

Arthur Weasley and a clever young Squib named Tony Durham have approached me with a suggestion that may further the endevours of all Wizard-kind into the future: technomancy. Arthur has long been known to have tinkered with Muggle objects, one such example was the modified automobile that crashed into our resident Whomping Willow, and Durham is a young technical engineer in the Muggle world. He heard of Arthur's reputation and approached him to suggest a partnership in modifications of existing Muggle technology. They developed their ideas for my purpose and they assure me that they can build two vital devices that will help me ascertain what Voldemort is up to: a technological scrying glass that works by jacking the signals of so-called Muggle 'satelites' and a sort of engineered 'wand' that will read the magical balance and detect strong uses of magic. With the dwarf blue elphant in mind I also proposed a sort of portal to return errant creatures to their proper worlds, this of course building on Hamdel's theory of a Magical Network of Multiverses.

Arthur of course enthusiastically agreed to all three of these projects and also proposed making magical versions of 'CD players', which I know to be the Muggle equivilent of the WWN, and 'computers'. These devices allow students to access networks for communicating and researching homework. Tony has informed me of the development of the World Wide Web, and promised me that a magical equivalent is in full development with the Hogwarts Learning and Communication Magical Network being the prototype.

This is a great curiousity as I cannot help but recall a dream of young man, long-haired and blue-eyed, emphatically telling me that without 'chat rooms' he could not further his favourtie 'plot lines'. Curious indeed.

If I cannot discover what Riddle is up to, then my name is not

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_


	12. A Feeling We're Not In Kansas

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** 1st Part of the 'live action' section in which the lunacy of this story is cranked up several notches. And yes, this chapter is massive compared to the narrative bits but expect a lot more of this to come!

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns everything else in this story. Note that anything else I make reference to is obviously not mine (duh).

**I've A Feeling We're Not In Kansas Anymore…**

Harry gazed into Ginny's eyes and sighed. Ginny gazed into Harry's eyes and sighed. This continued in a similar fashion for a rather long time until Harry started to say something.

"Ginny, there's something I need to ask you" he said nervously. He was wringing his hands together and Ginny noticed that his emerald eyes were darting around behind his glasses.

"Go ahead Harry," Ginny whispered hopefully "I think I'm ready to answer that question." Ginny was by now long past her adoration for Harry. This was full blown idolisation. The kind that burns your socks off with lust. She thought she loved him, but could never be sure.

"Well… it's just that…" Harry took her hand and looked her in the eye "Do we have beef on the menu tonight?"

He stared at Ginny's incredulous and shocked expression and burst into hysterical laughter. Ginny started to go red, as if she was seriously considering whether to explode or not. Which could've been likely considering the Weasley heritage. (Ask me some other time about Great-Uncle Leroy)

"Nah, I'm just kidding Gin. Will you go out with me?"

Ginny was brought back into conciousness a good seven minutes later by a concerned Harry, at which point he found his question answered when he was jumped on and kissed with an almost predatory fashion.

"Mh'll mhmm am a ymmm" he mumbled ecstatically.

Suddenly!…nothing changed. But it was a sudden bout of non-change, mind you. Then, out of nothing, there was a mighty sonic boom which roared down the stone corridors, burst into classrooms, reversed hairpieces and lifted robes and forced Harry and Ginny apart as if a jolt of lightning had physically torn them apart.

As if in synchronisation, they both found their eyes drawn to the left. Harry hoped that he was hallucinating or something that would produce such an effect. In a space which previously held only dust and air, there was a small, pretty girl. The shining red slippers on her feet and the beautiful brown hair which framed her china-doll face were somehow outshone by the small, wheezing and, judging by the smell, incontinent black terrier clutched in her terrified grip.

"Hot damn," she said, a worrying crease forming on her forehead "I don't think this is Kansas neither Toto"

* * *

Ron and Hermione were doing their 'homework' when the almighty crack reached their ears. Hermione felt something caress her leg and smiled at Ron's daring that night. Ron felt a leg stroke his ankle and considered himself lucky that he ever got a girl like Hermione. A niggling sensation formed in the back of Ron's mind and he reluctantly seperated himself from Hermione (with a sound like a drain being unblocked- schhhhhhlUCK!).

"Hermione, your legs are both over here, so (unless you've grown another), what's touching my leg?" He gulped and looked down.

"Hey, you're right. Your hands are both on my…" She was cut short by an insistent tug on her robes. Hesitantly, she joined Ron in gawping downwards. A small, blue elephant was eying them in what was unmistakably a mournful fashion. It suddenly hiccuped and then started to swell until it was nearlt twice it's original size, it's skin deepening to a near-violet hue of concentration. As one, Ron and Hermione leant backwards. The elephant opened it's maw.

"Haaaaaaahnk", it said, deflating pathetically. Hermione blinked in shock. As one, she and Ron took one step back from the pitiful creature and began talking in hushed tones.

"That creature just appeared from nowhere Herm" Ron whispered furiously, his eyebrows rocketing around his forehead in varying degrees of surprise and worry.

"Well this is a magical school," was the prim reply he received, "Perhaps we should take it to Professor Dumbledore. It looks quite sad really. Awwww…it's so cute in a sort of pathetic way"

"Haaaaaaaaahnk", said the creature. An audible slamming of doors made all three of them jump and the room was entered by three more people and a small dog that appeared to be trying to fornicate with a shoe.

"Toto?" asked Hermione in a small voice. Harry nodded grimly and looked at the girl accompanying him.

"Yup. And this here is Dorothy apparently. She interrupted our private time," he added with a meaningful cough "And what the hell is that thing?"

"Haaaaaaaaaahnk", said the thing.

There was a collective silence as every eye gazed down at the blue mournful creature, it's sorrowful moans punctuated by grunts from Toto.

"Let's find Nev and Luna and go see Dumbledore" said Ginny decisively.

* * *

Neville and Luna were sitting at the top of the Astronomy Tower. Despite this certain tower's reputation, Neville and Luna were participating in the harmless act of watering plants and were conversing about the affects of Gaspreys on Muggles.

"I don't know, Luna. I really doubt that's why they put bleach down the toilets. I mean, even some wizarding families do that"

"All the more proof" Luna replyed in an airy yet determined fashion.

At this point the echoing crack shattered the tranquility of the scene. This gargantuan sound was accompanyed in this instance by several pairs of footsteps coming up the tower. Ludo Bagman burst through the door, his Willoughby Wasps robes fluttering in the wind. He cannoned into Neville, rocketed twice around the tower and then yelped as a small angry convocation of figures materialised at the top of the tower stairs. He turned around, fired a salvo of hexes at the group of angry goblins and leapt of the tower through a nearby handy skylight. The goblins however were not deterred and followed the ex-beater with a parting cry of:

"We'll get you Ludo Bagman, if it's the last thing we do!"

Luna sat up, a flower falling from her ear onto her lap, joining a sizable pile of earth. For once she seemed utterly defeated by a strange happening.

"I sincerely doubt that had anything to do with Nargles" said Neville from underneath several plantpots. He freed himself and helped Luna back on her feet when once again the door crashed open and Hermione, Ron, Harry, Ginny, a brown haired girl, a black dog and an odd blue creature trudged, skipped, shuffled and scampered respectively into the tower.

"My life," said Luna in awe, dancing an excited jig, pointing at the blue thing "Is that really a rare Cerulean Shaded Honking Elephantine? I thought they were extinct"

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahnk" hooted the creature as if to prove it's existance.

"Neville" said Ron, doggedly ignoring Lunas coos of wonder "Was that Ludo Bagman and a bunch of angry goblins we heard?"

"I think it was Ron" answered Neville in a scared tone, "I think it was"

"Right" ordered Hermione "Ron, Luna, you take… the Ceruly thing ("Haaaahnk") here into the Great Hall and Ginny you escort Dorothy and Toto. Harry and Neville, you try and round up those goblins and Mr. Bagman. I'll find any other odd people milling around and Dumbledore and meet you in the Great Hall. Understood?"

The similarities between Hermione and a drill sergeant were quite surprising and half-heartedly and enthusiastically (depending on whether you were cuddling a small blue elephant or having your leg raped by a dog) they set out to do their duties.

* * *

In the staff-room, the teachers were going about their daily routines. McGonnagal was sitting in her armchair possessively clutching a tin of Ginger Newts, Flitwick was reading a brightly coloured pamphlet entitled "So you're a Midget? 10 steps to Fame! Fortune! And Height!" and Snape was alternating between prodding suspiciously human-looking organs in his pickling jars and giving glares at the Transfiguration professor's back.

The sound wave knocked over the biscuit tin, sent Flitwick diving for cover shrieking about socks and sprayed Snape with foul smelling pickling fluid. All was quiet for a moment when there was a barely perceptible but urgent knocking coming from the wardrobe in the corner.

Hagrid opened the door and was quite surprised to see three recognisable figures accompanied by a strange fourth thing stumble out, treading powdery snow into the carpet.

"Remus?" said Hagrid in a state of understandable bewilderment, his beard smoking from the small explosion that accompanied the cacophanous boom.

"I was just enjoying a stroll when I found myself in this damned wardrobe being mugged by this faun" He indicated the fouth, somewhat bedraggled figure at his feet. It coughed and a small golden object hit the floor with an audible ring.

"My locket! You little _(__**Do Not**__ read the following word if you are under the age of 15. Instead, put on Aqua's "I'm A Barbie Girl" and dance around swearing never to read naughty expletives) _bastard. I'd wondered what the hell you'd done with it" _(So you under-aged bad boys, if you did read the __**naughty**__ go and wash your eyes. You disgust me)_

"Alastor?" queried McGonnagal as Moody cleaned his wooden leg of ice.

"Hah!" he growled "Constant vigilence! That Ice Queen didn't know what hit her!"

"Lockhart" sneered Snape, his lip-curl somewhat spoiled by the green goop trickling down his hooked nose.

"It's awful," the blonde-haired man griped, shaking out his baby-blonde curls "One minute I was in my comfy hospital bed, next I'm with these fellows. And none of them even want my autograph!"

The room settled into silence which was finally broken by another rattle from the wardrobe. Once again the door burst open and Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody and Gilderoy Lockhart stepped out and locked glares with their doppelgangers.

"Well, I for one wasn't expecting that to happen" squeaked the diminutive Flitwick. Everyone's eyes turned to Professor McGonnagal, who relyed on the answer that always came to her mind in times of great unexplained happenings.

"To the Headmasters office!"

* * *

Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas backed into the corner and cowered at the ominous figures that now surrounded them. Six scarily dressed yet uniformed men pranced about singing about the letters of the alphabet. A short Frenchman was trying to order a pair of drunk Mexicans about and over the top of the chaos, Viktor Krum careered about on a Firebolt, laughing manically as he pursued a cursing Leprechaun for another circuit of the dormitory.

"Dumbledore?" Seamus quavered.

Dean nodded fervently.

* * *

Tom Marvolo Riddle, more commonly known as Lord Voldemort, lounged in his comfy chair and sipped on a tasty Muggle cocktail, idly wondering if they had their uses after all.

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain…"

His tuneless singing was interrupted by a knock on the door and the subsequent appearance of a small, watery-eyed man at the entrance.

"They are ready my Lord" he whimpered. Voldemort smiled triumphantly.

"And now Harry Potter, your end is nigh!"

The walls rang with manical laughter…

**TO BE CONTINUED?**

"Nigh, Master?" whimpered the metal-handed man. Voldemort rounded on him with a furious (near-literal) death glare.

"Quiet you fool! Can't you see that you have ruined my perfect climax?" he hissed, his voice laden with threats.

"Sorry Master" whimpered Wormtail.

"And can't you say something without whimpering?"

**OF COURSE IT WILL! EYES PEELED FOR THE NEXT PART OF THIS EPIC TALE OF LUNACY: Voldemort's nefarious plot revealed! Why have all these odd creatures and paradoxes started to plague the halls of our favourite magical institution? Just what has a flamingo got to do with our tale? FIND OUT THESE ANSWERS AND MUCH, MUCH MORE IN THE NEXT PART:**

**A BURNING (NIGHT) FEVER!**


	13. A Burning Night Fever

**Hermione and Ron Get a Clue**

**A/N:** You may think I'm getting silly now. You ain't seen nothing yet!

**Disclaimer:** I own the plot, I own the ideas but JK owns the characters, settings etc. Anything else in this ridiculous chapter that is recognisable as someone elses work, is (surprisingly) someone elses work. I do not own anything. Apart from the plot.

**A Burning (Night) Fever**

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore walked into the Great Hall and for once was struck speechless by what he saw there. In front of him was the oddest gathering that he had ever witnessed in his long and eventful life. Hermione Granger stood addressing the group with Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas all standing slack-jawed at her side. McGonnagal silently walked over to join him at his side as he purveyed the odd sight. Remus Lupin, the genius werewolf, was talking to (and here Dumbledore removed his glasses to give them a thorough clean) himself. An actual copy of Remus Lupin. Come to mention it, Dumbledore now noticed two Alastor Moodys prowling around the hall, occassionally prodding tables with their wands and Lockhart arguing with his double on whose teeth were the shiniest. A small, goat-legged man sidled through the crowd, pausing to rifle through the pockets of two drunk Mexicans, who were propped up in the corner with a bottle of Tequila between them. Ludo Bagman, who had been missing for a couple of years now, was standing at a wary distance from an angry group of goblins. A young, moody-looking girl in gingham was cuddling a small, wiry-haired sleeping terrier whilst a flamingo idly stood by, preening it's pink feathers. A small Frenchman Dumbledore definitely recognised as the Muggle Napoleon Bonaparte sat despondantly at a table, his legs dangling down beneath him. He saw Victor Krum angrily shake a leprechaun by it's boots whilst a group of six oddly dressed men walked- no, minced past them at an alrming speed. And in the middle of the chaos walked what was unmistakably his own brother, Aberforth and his pet goat, Trotters.

As one, the entire group turned around and said in eerie synchronisation

"Hello, Professor"

A small, blue elephant tugged at the bottom of Dumbledore's robes and hooted at him.

"If I was not the Headmaster of a Wizarding institution, I must profess that at this point I would be quite surprised," said Dumbledore, a weary smile on his face, "Now let us all sit down and discuss the series of events that have led up to this meeting of sorts"

* * *

Several hours and countless cups of coffee later, Dumbledore was piecing together what he thought had happened. He stroked his beard thoughtfully and turned to the spectacled man next to him. Arthur Weaskey and Tony Durham, who had both joined the conversation a couple of hours ago, sprang into life and produced out of mid-air a large, cloaked device. How, I hear you ask? Simple. They used magic.

"Now, everyone hush," cried Arthur enthusiastically, "Tony and I think we have the answer that could solve this riddle"

With a sweeping motion he swept the cloth of to reveal a large, oval disk that hung in the air in front of them, occasionally humming with power. It rippled like water but shone like liquid mercury and blue sparks ran across the surface, crackling with arcane magic.

"May I introduce the Spectotronic Looking-Glass that will allow us to monitor the activities of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" intoned Tony in a deep, booming voice.

"My two sons helped develop this device and…" Arthur was interrupted by the harsh bang of the Great Hall doors as two dapper, gents strode in in identical luminous suits.

"Did someone mention the great Weasley tw… what in the name of Merlin is going on in here?"

* * *

Several hours and countless cups of coffee later, the Weasley twins were brought up to speed and everyone had worked out the mechanics behind the cheesily named Spectotronic. Well, nearly everyone.

"And this will show us what Voldemort has done to cause this…paradox thingy?" continued Harry for what must have been the umpteenth time.

"Yes" answered Dumbledore simply, seething behind his fine silky beard "Ostendo Malum"

The disc flickered briefly and then cleared…

* * *

Lord Voldemort cackled to himself before remembering his position as a fearful Dark Lord and replaced the pathetic cackle with a deep, resonant, malevolent laugh. The Death Eaters cringed before him, aware of their master's unhinging sanity.

"And now, my loyal servants, I present to you, the one thing that shall ultimately bring upon the downfall of Potter…" he struck up a pose and pasued dramatically.

"On the good ship lollipop…" blared into the hall, it's candied tones bringing smiles to the faces of the most hardened men in the world.

"Fool!" Voldemort roared, "AVADA KEDAVRA! Lucius play the correct music if you would please" he said sibilantly in a tone that indicated Lucius had no choice in the matter. "Where was I?… oh yes, ahem… the downfall of Potter…" He struck up the pose once more and waited for his cue.

"DUHN DUHN DUUUUUHN" echoed the music impressively.

"Much better… I present to you, one and all: The Disco Dancing Dementors of DOOM!!"

The lights went on in the centre of the lair. They were hideous. Three Dementors hovered there, but they were…different. The first sported a white robe that looked like someone had bled, spurted pus on and then died in it. It was split open at the front revealing a withered, grey, stunted and yet hairy chest, the suit delicately sequined and a heavy gold medallion around it's neck. The second had purple and neon green platform shoes jutting out from beneath it's ragged cloak and gold teeth shone and glinted in the darkness of the hood. The third sported chunky gold rings on it's cadaverous fingers and a truly majestic afro sprouted from it's ghoulish visage.

"Lights on! Music start!" bellowed Voldemort.

A glittering, silver ball descended from the ceiling and began to rotate, sending chinks of light around the cave. The floor lit up with a coloured checkerboard design flashing to the beat of the song.

"Night fever, night fever…"

The Death Eaters boogied on down, the Disco Dancing Dementors of Doom being the centrepiece of the terrible spectacle. They hovered, they jived, they split their robes with their daring, dance moves.

"They're magnificent Master" gushed Bellatrix Lestrange, kissing Voldemort's feet and rolling over to have her tummy tickled.

"Good girl" said Voldemort, stroking Bellatrix's head absent-mindedly, "I think I might go have some… fun" He spat out the last word and then strutted over to the dance-floor, casting the Cruciatus curse as he went.

Bellatrix was left in spasms of pleasure as she contorted wildly to the music, frothing at the mouth as tears of undisguised joy trickled down her ravaged face.

* * *

"Oh my god! Did you see that?" said McGonnagal, utterly horrified.

"Yeah" agreed Ron, sporting a sickly shade of pale green, "Do you reckon Voldy has some sort of 'thing' for Bellatrix or does she just get kicks from his touch?"

"Not that you weirdo" chided Abe, shuddering, "The Disco Dancing Dementors of Doom"

"They are both toe-tappingly terrifying and ghoulishly gorgeous" noted Luna, a distracted smile flitting across her face. She stopped and the smile flitted out of the window, heading for the meadows so that it could frolick happily with all of the other escaped smiles from across the country. Everyone stared. The silence was broken by the guttural wheezes of Toto who was now trying Hagrid's boot for variation from Harry.

Dumbledore glanced around the room. Krum and the mad leprechaun were executing a jaw-dropping, mid-air chase in the centre of the hall. The blue elephant was hooting mournfully at anyone who passed. The Lockharts sat on the floor and sulked whilst the faun, Mr. Tumnus, was sneaking silver into his scarf. The 'Village People' were grouped in the corner, giving appreciative glances at the Weasley twin's attire, the flamingo had gone to sleep and Ludo was being chased once again by the pursuing Goblins.

"SILENCE!" shouted Dumbledore. He smiled thoughtfully and said "I think I know what caused this, and I have a plan to send you all back…" He gathered everyone around him and smiled.

"This will be a very dangerous mission for all of you and it involves several quests that will lead you to the very edges of the known magical world. Now this is what we have to do…"

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**WHERE WILL OUR DASHING HEROES END UP NEXT? ****WILL THE WEIRDOS BE ABLE TO RETURN TO THEIR DIMENSION? ****WHAT **_**IS**_** A STRAIGHT-HORNED SNORCACK?**

**ALL THESE ANSWERS AND MORE IN THE NEXT PART OF THIS DEATH-DEFYING SERIAL:**

**SIDEQUESTING, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE**


	14. Raiders of the Lost Park

**Hermione and Ron Get A Clue**

**A/N:** So this part should feel a bit epic but also a bit episodic. Pardon me for the tongue-in-cheek humour that breaks the 4th wall. I couldn't help myself. Also, do pardon the name change

**Disclaimer:** The obligatory- I don't own anything but the plot and the ideas. Everything else belongs to either JK or some other guys I ripped off.

**Harry Potter and the Raiders of the Lost Park**

"Explain this once more" said Harry, looking around guiltily "For the sake of everyone else, of course" Everyone else groaned and looked towards the seated figure of Professor Dumbledore once again.

"Okay, Harry. Once more. The Disco Dancing Dementors of Doom cause great joy and mirth as well as fear and sorrow, thus driving a man or woman into toe-tapping insanity. However, because these creatures have generated such monstrous ambiguity, a rift has been created in the oldest source of magic in the country"

"The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" volunteered Hermione, "I read it in A Hogw…"

"Yes, yes yes," continued Dumbledore relentlessly, ignoring the downcast look on Hermione's face "Because of this rift, several fictional creatures have been sent here, some from the past or future and one creature known to be extinct." He paused and looked at the now sleeping Cerulean Haahnking Elephantine at his feet.

"I have formulated a plan that will not only send these…people back but also disable Voldemort's new weapon for a long amount of time."

"But how long before he strikes again, Professor?" asked Seamus.

"Oh, I should think not until the next part has been written" he answered cryptically. He surveyed the people gathered around him. Harry, looking confident but confused, Ginny, a blazing pillar of hope. There was Hermione, the great source of wisdom, and Ron, whose loyalty was renowned. Neville, quiet but ready and Luna, impenatrable and eager. Fred and George shifted in their seats and grinned at each other whilst Dean and Seamus sat looking worried but resolute. McGonnagal stood to the left of him with Remus, Lupin, Alastor, Moody, Gilderoy and Lockhart standing to the right.

"I am going to have to send you off on separate quests to gather the components needed to complete the Inter-Dimensional Portal. All of these journies will be long and dangerous but we have little time. I have provided you all with portkeys that will take you to secret locations. Once there, you will be given a brief through the contact bracelets Mr. Weasley has provided. Oh, and before you go, you might want to drop in on Mr. Durham. He seems to have a couple of useful gadgets for each of you…"

Dumbledore looked around and smiled a smale and weary smile and sixteen faces smiled back with varying degrees of hope, confidence, fear and anxiety.

"Well of you go then!"

* * *

_The French/Spanish Border, The Pyrenee Mountain Range_

Ron sighed wearily. It was boiling hot, not one cloud in the sky and they had been climbing for hours. Hermione didn't seem to be tired but he understood that she had some experience hiking with her parents. He opened his mouth to see if he could get a rest out of her but before he could form the words, Hermione turned around in obvious excitement.

"Oh, Ron! You've obviously seen it to!" she squealed.

Ron followed her eagerly pointing hand to see a vague feathery shape on the side of the next peak. He sighed. That meant more hiking.

After some time, the young couple were able to sneak up on the feathery lump. Hermione, basking in the intellectual glow of discovery, was the first to speak, albeit in hushed tones.

"You still have Tony's device, Ron?"

Ron nodded, not trusting himself to speak in his bone-weary state. He pulled the metal cylinder from his pocket and handed it over. Hermione muttered something under her breath for a moment and the device sprang open, emitting an eerie blue light.

"Right Ron," said Hermione, in the way Ron recognised now as heralding a plan, "You plant the device next to the Diricawl and then I'll stun it. If we work together it shouldn't know what hit it"

They split up so that Ron circled near to the left hand of the dozy looking bird. He took careful aim, stretched back his hand and promptly tripped over on some loose scree. The bird emitted an ugly croak and looked sharply to it's left. It puffed up it's feathers in a recognisable attempt to teleport out of danger but Ron, fumbling for just a moment, managed to deploy the device just in time, a thin blue net stretching in a dome over the bird. Hermione quickly uttered the curse and the bird collapsed in a heap of feathers.

Ron let out a sigh of relief and leaned forward to pluck a feather. Hermione walked over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"It's lucky that you managed to get the Anti-Teleportation Net up or McGonnagal would've killed us" She paused and giggled "Dead as a Dodo!"

* * *

_England, London, London Zoo, Pet Corner_

"Luna, you've got to be kidding me". Neville looked at the docile creature that stood before him. It's eyes stared stupidly ahead and it let out a noise that sounded like the bastard child of a bleat and a belch.

"It looks less dangerous than it actually is Neville," chided Luna "The more common Straight-Horned Snorckack is not to be laughed at"

"It's a pygmy goat Luna," said Neville, an incredulous look on his face "A bloody goat!"

Luna sighed and thought of correcting him on the many differences between goats and snorckacks but decided against. She didn't want to hurt his feelings after all. She pulled out the pole that Tony had given her and pressed the pressure pad that would extend it to it's full length.

"Remember Luna. One flash lasts five minutes. Better give it three just in case"

Luna nodded and firmly pressed the small blue button to the right of the pad three separate times. She screwed her eyes shut aas three bright white lights shone from the end of the staff, instantly sending all the Muggles around to sleep.

Neville opened his eyes and vaulted into the pen, eying the goat and muttering to himself. Suddenly, the previously docile animal looked up in alarm and (beyond all reason in Neville's opinion) it's eyes started flashing in a series of psychadelic colours that wouldn't look out of place on a hippie's van.

The next thing he new was Luna waking him up with a sharp tap around the face. She was looking at him calmly with a clipping of hair clutched in her hand.

"That was for underestimating the snorckack. But this is for being my big brave Neville"

Before he knew it, Luna had embraced him tightly. He leant back slightly and looked into Luna's eyes. They leant their heads forward slightly, lips parting…

"The Morpheus Staff's effects have nearly run out. Come on Neville. We have to go. If everyone stood there gawping all day then the Nargles would have a field day!"

* * *

_England, The Burrow, The Room of Fred and George Weasley_

With a loud crash, the glass vial exploded, filling the air with a foul-smelling thick white fog.

"Quick!" coughed George "The essence of time"

Fred picked up the small capsule of shining blue light and threw it into the fog, resulting in another loud crack and a smell of strawberries.

"Traveller's roots" riposted Fred, covering his mouth.

George lobbed in a small bundle of writhing, brown tendrils, this time creating a burst of birdsong and a flash of green light.

"Petrified lightning! Juju quill! Weatherby's soulution!"

The air grew crowded with thrown ingredients till at last the air cleared, the thick smoke replaced by a soothing glow and a soft hum.

The door banged open as the space was filled with the angry Weasley matriarch.

"Just what in the blue blazes are you to…up to?" she cried, her voice changing from anger to wonder as she looked upon the latest Weasley creation.

Encapsulated within a complicated framework of silver filigree and supported by a thread of silk connected to a copper rod was a blue, pulsating light that drew the eye in. Staring at it seemed to leave after-images of possible futures burned on the retinas.

Fred opened his mouth. "That is…"

"Wicked" breathed George.

* * *

_Somewhere in the vast alleyways of New York City, America_

Remus Lupin was wet. In fact, both of Remus Lupin was wet because the driving rain still hadn't relented, chilling them to the bone. He trudged into the alleyway and began the complex wand movement that would let himinto the hideout.

The bricks rippled once as Remus and Remus stooped to walk right through the wall. They walked to the table that stood in the middle of the room and sat down.

"Our cover's blown" said a Remus.

"We overheard some girl talking about a blonde who kept pestering her about autograph's" added the other, shooting a bitter glare at the sleeping forms of two Lockharts.

"But we still have the object" said an Alastor, opening his scarred hand to reveal a single jet-black scale that seemed to absorb the light.

"Yeah, but I reckon it's not going to be long before they find us" answered a Lupin wearily.

As if on cue, an ominous shudder ran through the building, shaking the Lockharts into conciousness.

"Remus," one of them whimpered "What was that"

The werewolf smiled grimly and answered with one word.

"Trouble"

* * *

_Somewhere underwater off the Welsh coast_

Dean looked at Seamus. Seamus looked at Dean. They both looked at the circle of mermen that surrounded them. They both looked at the sharp spears that were pointed at their necks. The mermen looked at the sacred shell clutched in their grasp.

"We can explain?"

* * *

_Somehere deep in the Amazonian rainforest inside an ancient Aztec temple_

Harry and Ginny looked grimly at the three Death Eaters and gulped.

"You go Ginny, I'll catch you up" said Harry firmly. Ginny opened her mouth to argue but stopped when she saw the look on Harry's face.

As Ginny slunk away to the exit, Harry contemplated how he should get rid of Voldemort's lackeys. Booby traps! Temples always had booby traps, right? Harry jumped down to a likely looking stone pad and jumped on it. It ground into the floor with an ominous groan, alerting Harry's presence to the Death Eaters.

"Get him!" cried the Death Eater unoriginally.

Harry ran through the narrow corridor, ducking under arrows that flew out of the walls, weaving to avoid the thick spellfire that came from behind and jumping over the numerous pits that lined the way. Harry caught sight of the exit as a stone tablet closed slowly. He rolled under the tablet just in time and reached through to grab a brown fedora he'd seen on the way.

"Erm…can I have my hat back kid?" said the tall American standing in front of Harry. Harry gave him the hat.

"So," the American said awkwardly "What you here for?"

"Occamy egg to prevent the rise of a Dark Lord. You?"

"Crystal skull to stop the apocolypse"

"Aren't you a bit late?" The tall man shrugged and toyed with the whip on his belt.

"Someone had to write about it eventually" he answered. Harry nodded, humouring the madman with the gun that stood before him. They shook hands amiably and parted their ways.

After what seemed like hours of traversing endless corridors, Harry emerged into the thick jungle, collapsing into a heap.

"Harry Potter at my feet. Excellent" hissed Voldemort.

"Bollocks" said Harry.

Ginny said nothing from her hiding place and silently portkeyed away.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

**Will Harry escape from the clutches of the nefarious Voldemort?**

**Will Dumbledore be able to return the creatures back to their universes?**

**Will the combined efforts of our plucky heroes be enough to repel the forces of darkness?**

Draco sighed in the dark and wondered where everyone was. It was hours since Blaise had shut him in this cupboard and he was cold. And tired. And hungry.

Curse those mudbloods. He could almost hear them giggling on the other side of the door. In frustration, he banged against the solid oak, hurting his fists in the process.

The door opened. Draco Malfoy looked his eyes goggling and his mouth hanging open. He gulped. Very carefully and very quietly, he shut the cupboard door again. It was going to be a long night.

**What did Draco Malfoy see?**

**FIND OUT IN THE NEXT PART OF THIS EPIC SAGA:**

**The Harry-in-the-clutches-of-Voldemort Bit**


End file.
